Sexual identity is a contentious issue among all age groups. However, the unique mindset of adolescence can transform this issue into a particularly difficult struggle. Sexual identity refers to an individual’s self-identification in terms of his or her sexual attractions. Sexual identity may, in fact, differ from sexual behavior or even true sexual orientation (the physical and emotional basis of attraction). For example, an individual may engage in heterosexual behavior and even identify as heterosexual, yet this individual may possess a homosexual orientation.
This precise scenario lies at the center of the following debate among four adolescents. In the debate, the teens are discussing the plight of a friend and classmate, Dylan. The group has learned that Dylan plans to follow the controversial psychiatric process of reparative therapy. (In such therapies, counselors attempt to “convert” individuals of a homosexual orientation towards a heterosexual orientation). During a study group (on which the subject is adolescent identity), the group engages in a heated debate about Dylan’s actions.
While a male friend (Jacob) supports Dylan’s decisions (believing his friend’s assertions that he is heterosexual), a female friend (Maddie) believes that Dylan—although he identifies as straight—is denying his true orientation, and thus his true identity. Two other friends, Ethan and Emily, also contribute thoughts on the issue. The debate includes the group’s insight into the physical, cognitive, and moral changes which occur during adolescence. These areas are considered within the context of sexual identity and within the larger context of identity itself.
Since identity (especially sexual identity) is such a personal and controversial issue, the debate ends on a realistic note, with no true “answer” reached. A five-minute debate will not be likely to change lifelong attitudes, although one does receive the impression from the debate’s closing (in which Jacob promises to “talk to” his friend again) that the teens have at least provided each other with some powerful food for thought. Boy (Jacob): Multiple selves, false selves. What’s all that supposed to mean?
Girl (Maddie): Remember a couple of years ago when you got that very subtle purple streak in your hair and announced you were going to be a rock star? And then a year later…. Girl 2 (Emily): He was going to make captain of the basketball team. Jock or shock jock, but neither one stuck. Jacob: Funny, just hilarious. Seriously, they make us sound like a bunch of head cases. Maddie: It’s the truth though, right? This is our time to figure it all out. And who we say we are doesn’t always match up with who we actually are. If we even have a clue, at this point.
Jacob: Okay, okay, this isn’t philosophy class. Let’s get to it. I don’t want to pull an all-nighter. Emily: Fine, next question is about Erikson: identity versus role confusion. Jacob: I think we’ve got that one covered. We do have our own case study down the street, after all. Boy 2 (Ethan): Today was the shrink’s appointment, right? Did Dylan say what happened? Jacob: He’s going to do it. Maddie: That’s wrong on so many levels. Jacob: Why? He wants to get straightened out. This doc can make it happen. Maddie: He’s gay. They think they can wave a wand and make that go away. It’s not going to happen.
Jacob: Dylan says he’s straight. Role confusion, remember? Everybody our age experiments with something. He just should have stuck with weed. Maddie: False selves, remember? Everybody our age also needs validation. Think about it. We’ve got each other to whisper about what happened at the back of the movie theater or what didn’t happen in the backseat of our car. Who does he have? Ethan: He’s got us. But he doesn’t need us like that. Come on. You can’t turn around these days without seeing a few girls all over each other. Not that I’m complaining. Are you saying they’re all lesbians?
Maddie: No, a lot of them probably wouldn’t identify that way. Straight, gay, bi, and there’s even pansexual and asexual—they could identify as any of those things, or maybe they don’t know yet. Jacob: So Dylan could be straight. That’s his point. Maddie: But you’re talking about behavior. Not everybody’s behavior matches up with who they really are or who they see themselves as. Dylan may be identifying as straight—and he may act straight with everybody he knows—but that does not mean he is. Or maybe he’s identifying as something else, and is too afraid to admit it. Jacob: I’m not buying it.
Look at the guy. He shot up in height before any of us. He can grow a beard without a second thought. He was giving us tips on the girls. He’s a guy. Maddie: But the stuff you’re talking about is what all guys go through eventually. The fact that he grew up like every other guy—the fact that he is a guy—has nothing to do with who he’s attracted to. Jacob: We went through all that together, though. I’m telling you, I would have known. Maddie: Look, we all know what we like. Every one of us in this room knows. And we’ve got no problems identifying with that. What we do matches what we say, and what we are.
But we’ve all probably liked somebody that everybody else would snicker at. Maybe I like that guy that wears the retro clothes, or you like that girl with the braces, or that guy with the nose ring does it for her. So, we pretend to hate the person. Maybe we even laugh at them too. Maybe we even convince ourselves they really are that bad. But on the inside…. Emily: On the inside it’s a different story. That’s all she’s saying. Jacob: I get that. What I don’t get is why he didn’t figure this out sooner if it’s true. He told me it’s only really been an issue for the last couple of years.
Maddie: When did you stop thinking girls had cooties? It’s puberty, hormones. This is the time it gets real for us. Emily: And we think different, too. At least I know I do. Maddie: Exactly. When you’re a kid, your whole world is what you can see, touch, hear. There’s no hypothetical. That’s why it’s so great—innocent. But when you hit twelve, thirteen— the world’s suddenly full of possibilities. You can imagine how things should be, and how things might be. And that’s really exciting— Emily: But scary at the same time. Jacob: We get to thinking about where we fit in it all.
Ethan: Trying to nudge in like a square peg sometimes. Maddie: So we make ourselves that round peg. Maybe that’s the way it was for Dylan. He had a general idea something was different when he was a kid, but he couldn’t put a label on it until now. The label scares him, so he denies it. Jacob: Wow, we’re being abstract now. Brownie points for us. I stand by what I’m saying. Dylan knows the score. He knows this isn’t normal. It’s just one of those false selves, or whatever you want to call it. Maddie: ‘This isn’t normal. ’ See, you’re proving my point again. Pop quiz, Kohlberg, what did he say?
Jacob: The morals guy? Maddie: Wow, I’m impressed. You actually did remember something. Kohlberg said we develop our morals in stages. Ethan: Adolescence is supposed to be when we’re focused on ‘law and order. ’ We make decisions based on what other people think. Maddie: Right, society’s rules. So what happens when our sexual identity is at odds with a big chunk of society’s rules? We push it away, and maybe even punish ourselves. Emily: That would explain it. I wasn’t going to say anything—it’s none of my business, really—but Dylan looks bad sometimes. His eyes are glassed over.
I don’t think it’s just weed. It’s the same way my brother looked when he was strung out on coke. I’d know that look anywhere. Ethan: If that’s true— Emily: He thinks he’s invincible. My brother did. I think everybody in school has at some point, including us. Jacob: Dylan’s seeing a shrink, okay? It’s not like he’s going to go jump off a ledge. He’s got it handled. Ethan: It can get out of control. You’ve seen the stats. And that doctor…. Jacob: His folks got the doctor for him, okay? You think they’re going to let a quack experiment on their son? Maddie: How much do you tell your folks?
Have you ever said a word to them about anything sex-related? Have any of us? He can’t talk to them. Jacob: Well, do you see me beating him up? You see me calling him a—I wouldn’t do that. He knows he can be straight—in every sense of the word—with me. So we don’t huddle and whisper in the bathroom. We don’t cry on each other’s shoulder and talk about our feelings like a couple of girls. We’re still upfront. We keep it real. Emily: Maybe that’s what scares him. He can’t keep it real anymore. He’s afraid of what will happen if he does. Maddie: Imagine you’re up there for everybody to stare at.
Analyze, just like we’re doing now. High school feels like one huge, never-ending evaluation sometimes. For Dylan, it’s a thousand times worse. He’s the newest attraction. Jacob: It’ll go away. Once the next girl gets pregnant or somebody else gets caught behind the bleachers. Maddie: But it doesn’t feel that way to him. Would it to you? Jacob: No. Maddie: Just think about it. Talk to him again. Let him know we’re there—that he doesn’t have to do what this shrink wants, this identity foreclosure as Erikson here would say. Jacob: It’s his choice. He’s got to figure it out for himself.
Maddie: You’re right. His identity should be his choice, sexual or otherwise—just like it should be for all of us. We figure it out now so we can own it when we’re adults. Jacob: I’ll talk to him, okay? But I’m not saying I agree with you. I’m not saying I buy any of this. Maddie: Of course not. Where were we? Erikson, early adulthood…..
References Beaty, L. A. (1999). Identity development of homosexual youth and parental and familial influences on the coming out process. Adolescence, Fall, 18-27. Berger, K. S. (1998). The Developing Person Through the Life Span. New York: Worth Publishers.