Transition is an inescapable part of being human and the process of change is central to personal development and self-awareness. Transition can be defined as a gradual psychological process that occurs in response to significant life changes. During the transition process, we let go of old and familiar behaviours and attitudes, which often leaves us with a sense of fragility and vulnerability. However, whilst change can often be unsettling, it can make way for personal transformation and self-reflection, resulting in renewed strength and equilibrium. The successful completion of such ‘rites of passage’ (Bridges, 1980, p.103) as birth, death, puberty and marriage and other less inevitable transitions as divorce and redundancy are characterised by three distinct stages according to Dr William Bridges: Endings, The Neutral Zone and New Beginnings.
Bridges posits that every transition begins with an ending, which may leave the individual at a loss as to how to define themselves and the world around them. He notes that most people struggle to handle endings sufficiently and thus try to avoid them or speed up the process because it is daunting and characterised by uncertainty (ibid., p107). Even if the present situation is causing immense distress, the individual may fear change, remaining unaware that more anguish will result from resisting change and thus remaining ‘stuck’ in the same situation. Indeed, even when we are unhappy with how things are, what is known and familiar is generally preferable to what is unknown.
This certainly applies to the break-up of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, who had become increasingly verbally and physically abusive towards me. Despite being extremely unhappy in the present situation and being aware that the relationship was doomed to failure, I was afraid to break free and fearful of being alone. Furthermore, starting afresh would involve the daunting task of rebuilding my self-esteem, which at the time I did not feel capable of. The relationship carried on for far longer than it should have as the future seemed so uncertain whereas the current situation, although not desirable, had an element of predictability.
Evidently what is confusing about endings is not the new beginning about to be embarked upon, rather the cessation of former habits and ways of being (ibid., p109). The ending process is broken down into five component parts by Bridges: Disengagement, Dismantling, Disidentification, Disenchantment and Disorientation. Disengagement involves psychologically breaking away from the roles and activities involved in the former setting, causing one to define the situation more objectively.
When I eventually decided I could no longer accept my partner’s treatment of me and ended the relationship, I was able to view the situation more dispassionately and realise that the break-up should have happened a long time ago. I finally understood why my friends and family had been urging me to end the relationship as soon as it began and stopped responding to his telephone calls and pleads as I had done in the past. It took courage but I was determined that this time, I would complete the transition process rather than being enticed to return to my boyfriend as I had been so many times previously, only for him to continue taking advantage of me.
While disengagement needn’t entail physically moving away from the situation and is more a realisation that change is required, dismantling involves a ‘grieving process’ (ibid., p114) of sorts where one mourns the loss of their prior identity or, in the loss of a relationship, begins viewing themselves as I instead of we; as an individual as opposed to part of a couple. During my breakup, I felt it necessary to completely remove myself from an environment where I was constantly reminded of my ex-boyfriend, and decided to spend the summer in Newcastle to allow myself time to recuperate and reflect. I had been so used to being part of a couple that making the decision to get away by myself was intimidating but it was also the first decision I’d made without anyone else’s input for a long time and so I felt it was necessary to spend some time getting to know myself again.
Following dismantling is the process of disidentification whereby we begin to alter how we define ourselves and change our identity as we venture into a different stage of life. For me, this involved realising that a great deal of what my ex-boyfriend had told me about myself was not true. He often told me I was fat, despite being aware that I had recently struggled with anorexia, and told me that when people see me wearing makeup, they think I’m ‘easy.’
In fact, neither was true and I began to redefine my values and realise that he would verbally abuse me for his own gratification and to gain control over me in order to divert attention from his own insecurities and dependency on alcohol. During this period of disidentification, I began to see myself and my ex-boyfriend in a different light. While I’d blamed myself for how bad things had become, I realised I had been completely passive for the length of the relationship and that he had tried to dominate me for months. I realised that I would never treat anyone with such disdain, particularly someone I professed to love, and my confidence began to grow with this heightened self-awareness.